2 a.m , who do you love?

I told him how much I love my best friend, but how lonely and heartsick it made me to be with person who was always disappearing from the room, from my life, from the planet. 

There's a constant level of closeness that I really need from the person I love. But it just destroys me to not be able to count on the affection when I need it. 

*I have opened my fist and showed to the world the handful of bullets I'd had to bite over the rough times. And time still get rough. 

A man’s chest is a girl’s comfort zone.

It is a warm feeling when a girl is leaning her head through a guy’s chest. It is not just about lust or anything. But, it is way to comfort herself. There’s a sense of security when you just feel the lovely curves in his chest. It’s like listening to his heartbeat and feeling her breath beneath your hair. You’ll talk about happy things and you can fall asleep. It’s one of the best yet simple moments that you can cherish with the person that you love so much.

I am all the writers that I have read, 

all the people that I have met,

all the women that I have loved.

Assalamualaikum.

Yesterday was blue. There are so many tears. First, as the world knows, flight of MH370 was disappeared 8th March 2014 at 2.41 am and still no news updates about them. There are so many questions and speculations running around the media and also the social networks which somehow brings chaotic in Malaysia. There are still no confirmation whether the victims are alive or death. As a human, we just can pray to Allah SWT for their safety and if they were destined to be found dead or go without any news, let's pray that they're souls is in the beautiful place and may Allah forgive for any wrongdoings throughout their lives. To the family, be strong and I offer my deepest condolences. I know my sympathy will not help to lighten your burden and sadness, but I believe Allah will always with you guys. And for the Muslim, whenever you think you're in trouble and there's no one to hold onto, read this doa. It's the powerful one- This doa was read by Nabi Ibrahim A.S when he was about to be thrown into the burning fire by the Jahiliah. In shaa Allah, you'll be stay in peace. 

" Hasbiyallahu wa ni'mal wakeel"- Only Allah is enough for me.

My old friend died yesterday. Allahyarham Mohd Afif bin Abd Fattah. He was a nice boy and very friendly person. We lost contact after I moved to boarding school and he was moving to technical school. I swear I do not remember anything bad about him. It was unexpected but Allah plans everything. Last year, when I was a replacement teacher, I taught his sister. His sister told me that he was suffered Tibi about one and half year (since early 2012) and even though he was recovering from Tibi, he cannot use his legs anymore. Because the virus has attacked and lumpuhkan his legs. Masya ALLAH. May Allah forgives him and mercy on him because he was suffered for almost two years. I couldn't make it to pay my last visit, but he will remain in my memory forever. Al- fatihah.

See? How life is so unpredictable. People come and go. Somehow, I received this as one of my tarbiyah in life even though it doesnt hit me right on my face, but I know Allah is sending me his warning about my sins. There are many things to reflect, and I just couldnt list out here because it's too personal and only me and myself could understand what I feel. These past two years, there were so many things in my life that somehow wake me up from the deep sleep. They just too many and changed me a lot. Thank you Allah for the reminder and keep signalling me with Your reminder because I'm just a normal human being that's always forget about you. Till then. 

Taylor Swift is getting more beautiful and gorgeous. I love her dress that night <3

Haih I woke up in the middle of night. It has been only 2 hours since I'm sleeping and I just cant sleep anymore. This is sick. I mean I've been very active in the day so that I can sleep soundly at night but I just cant. Maybe there are many things on mind mind right now and it's just so hard to not thinking of it while sleeeping. But I'm swear I didnt think of it at all while I'm sleeping. ERGHH.

You know, I've came across to one of my seniors in my faculty talking about how he saw himself after the graduation. I mean among of all my edu seniors he's the only one that I could see the determination to further his studies overseas as a postgraduate student. Seeing him with that spirit he's just inspired me to do the same. To be honest, I dont really thinking of furthering my studies as soon as I'm graduating but then I thought it's now or never. But yeah, I just dont know. Some say you must have some experiences in teaching 1st because it'll make the process easier to complete the research but nowadays most universities offer master by courses. I know right it's confusing.  Yet, I still found that furthering my master first is the best options  ever. I've found some universities overseas particularly in UK and NZ because I've been dreaming to study there since I was in  school, they offer scholarships for non-europeon to study there. And yes-here's another options which I will try to ask MARA if they wanted to give me loans or even better scholarship to further my studies because I've heard it it's easier to get MARA in post graduate level. Yet, we dont know. 

I only third year student. I mean I have like 3 more semester ahead but what happens after I grad are more interesting than what'll happen in just couple of days for the next semester. I have no lust at all to think of my life as a degree student now. It's just so tourchering and heartbreaking. I wouldnt blame anyone on that but hell yeah I rather not eating than going to college for the next 3 semesters. Maybe I'll keep my life even more busier in my final year. Gahhhh I dont know. It's just so hard to think about things that we' re clueless. I just pray that Allah SWT eases my journey towards things I wanted in life. I just wanted to do it like silently and when I realised what I've planned just working out. See? It's jut very difficult to live nowadays.

And God please I wanna get married quickly.Aaaaaaaaa~~~

My friends were asking me why am I'm being so heartless to them? Dont get me wrong. It's just I was the person who always kepoh kepoh about what they've been through. Suddenly, they just feel that they lost me. I'm not talking much, I sleep a lot, when they are all talking about something we against on, they just dont know what I've been thinking of coz I'm not talking- A WORD.

It happened, when Maisarah and Adda asking me what's the wrong. I said, I dont know. Exactly a year ago till now, it's something.I feel so empty. Yes, I just knew what empty feels. I dont know the way I bring myself is just so different the way I was. They said that I just dont give a damn thing on anything.

Blind my eyes, make ears dont listen, keep the mouth shut- at least I did it. To not give a damn. Haih *i know someone will against me on this, but whatever. Do whatever you heart likes. it's yours not mine, i just dont care*

oh I LOVE HOLIDAYS

and JOHN GREEN

he's turned me on.