Look at this picture. I looked truly happy.
I am. Don't go.
Last year, on this beautiful day, was your first day stepping into your career as an engineer in YTL. Even though you have been transferred to the different place but then I think today is the special day to celebrate. While others are struggling getting jobs *including me*, you must be thankful because your journey was very smooth and easy compared to others. Anyway, Happy First Working Anniversary for you yayang! Congratulations for all that you've achieved and hope you can contribute more to your parents, family, company, religion and nations. It might sound so superlative but dear, it is not impossible. I am very proud of you because I could see that you are enjoying your job because you know we will do better when we are happy on what we do. Stay cool, make your parents proud and may Allah counted all your effort as Ibadah in shaa Allah. Congratulations again! :)
In the last Ramadhan, I decided to deactivate my twitter account for good. Honestly it was not because of being a better person just because it was the holy month but I just cant stand it anymore. Before this, there were couple of trials of deactivating my Twitter account because of the same reason. Oh god, I cant put my feelings into words since I have mixed feelings whenever I scrolled the timeline. There were series of accidents and thousands reasons why I think it was the best for me to stop tweeting. So, let me keep all the series because it would take more than 10 seasons to finish it.
How's my life going without twitter account? I must say, LAME, but in a very good way. Well, I might be the last person on earth knowing trending news, jokes or issues that speculated in Twitter but tell you what, sometimes ignorance is a bliss. I think my life is simpler and I became more positive day by day since I dont need to handle shits in Twitter. I think when I was in Twitter, I became a pain in someone's arse by being a jerks saying negative about people, judging people's tweets and wasting my time reading shits in Twitter. Well, not all of the time I got or found shits, but I usually get that. I guess, it was all my fault because it reflected me how I received and interpreted on things I read in Twitter. I took all the blame guys, but heyyyyyy everything's safe and sound now.
I did miss my Twitter tbh. It's just, I think I'm already old to act like I was. It was a good decision I made to shut down my Twitter and I knew it's for the best. I just want a simple and positive life and no doubt I'm on my way ;)
Hey... I'm freaking out right now because tomorrow I decided to get a pair of contact lens. I never tried to put it in. I did a little bit of research of how to put in, take out, the care and bunch of stufffs. And I know it ain't that easy man. So, I found an optical shop that sell a quite cheap contact lens for my eyes. It's like only RM22 for the clear ones. It's pretty cheap you know since the last time I surveyed was RM 30. Plus, the optometrist is so kindly offered me to teach me how to put in the contacts. So, literally the price has given me a fiery motivation to start it now! It's probably one of the best favours I got for this year gotta tell ya!
It has been two years since I put 'using contact lens' in my new year's resolutions and never got ticked because I'm a little chicken. It got really hard when I started to wear wideshawls instead of tudung bawal to cover up. Tell ya whattttt~ I never felt so confident wearing shawls with the glasses on. As a result, I rather being a blind girl in functions like dinner without my glasses on just to look perfect with my #ootd. leuls. Since I will be graduated in October in shaa Allah, I think I might have plenty of time to practice to put on the contacts. Therefore, I just decided, tomorrow (4 Aug 2015) will be the day that I first wearing my contact lens. Wish me luck! Finger crossed~
"I dream about leaving him. Living alone."
"And in those dreams you're happy and independent and free. When you wake up, you're lonely and lost again."
"Yes."
Meghann leaned toward her."Look, Birdie, women come into my office everyday, saying they're not happy. I write down the words that will tear their families apart and break a lot of hearts. And you know what? Most of them end up wishing they'd tried harder, loved better. They end up trading their homes, their sayings, their lifestyle, for nine-to-five jobs and a stack of bills, while hubby-dearest waits ten seconds, then marries the salad-bar girl at Hooters. So, here's a million dollars worth of advice from your best friend and divorce attorney: If you're empty it;s not Jack's fault, or even his problem, and leaving him won't solve it. It's your job to make Elizabeth Shore happy."
"I don't know how to do that anymore"
Late night thoughts. I hate it so much. I know I am over thinking and just so insecure about petty things. He's been very busy lately. Hence, he spent less time with me. I know, I should be supportive and understanding about his workload and everything but sometimes, I just couldnt. I couldnt help myself for thinking he's started to hate me. If this isnt the truth, what if it is? We are barely see each other, and now he's behaving like this. It's enough to shaken up my optimism. Maybe I am not ready for this. To face the reality that things dont always be rainbows and butterflies.
I know he must be really upset reading this post, but dear I hope you would understand me. It has been few weeks. I just want you to know, I'm not that strong. I know he would say, why would me be the one who understands you and you're not even try to understand me? Well, I have no answer for that! It's hurt and I want you to know that. I dont like this. I dont like you being busy. I dont. I never liked it. I'm sorry for putting you in a harsh position, seeking money just to marry me. And if you ask me, I never asked for that! I've got family to take care of, a mother should be obliged to. So, I cant help it. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for all the demands. I told you to give up, but to be honest I cant bear losing you. But I dont want to torture a soul that I love.
so you know why I have a hard time sleeping at night and why I hate late night thoughts.
Have you ever felt like the things that you really really really want, and you cannot have it.
Now, you just dont care about it anymore.
Have you?
Gotta be honest here, I think I'm going to be very active blogging again. I think by blogging people dont judge because that's what blogs are made for. There's no one's gonna read my blog anyway. Therefore, it is one of the privileges to write without need to concern the lame-ity of the content of my blog.
Yesterday marked the last day of examination paper for my undergraduate years. To be true, I'm so thankful because the-long-hellish-years almost end. I just need to finish presentation for my final year project and then, I'm done with it! But the most interesting part is, what I'm gonna do in the future?
My Plan A: I want hiatus till Syawal and pursue my Master in September while I'm working as replacement teacher. Then, I wait for the postings and work as a teacher till I got my Master. Then, I pursue my PhD and be a lecturer and live happily ever after. Gotta say, that's the safest road that I can take for myself. My dangerous Plan B is.... yeah haven't figure out it yet. The only thing I'm sure, I want to expand my business because I started to like it.
I really pray to Allah to ease my next undertakings in life. I dont want it to be ordinary because I want it to be wonderful. In shaa Allah,if there's a will, there's a way.
I dont know why I am so concerned about these two annoying people during my crucial period. God, I'm so busy with the deadlines, final exam and viva presentations since I will graduate soon, yet these two people have plenty of time running around me and make me sick about them.
Everybody makes mistakes, so do I. Cant deny how I hate people who only do their best in criticizing people rather than improving themselves to be a better person. Well, I'm not better than you, but at least I dont spread hatred around. If I hate, I do it alone. If you think making people feel absurd and irritating is the best revenge you could give to, I bet you definitely never knew the sweetness of forgiving, letting things go and move on. This kind of people are the best to be avoided as soon as possible.
On the brightest side, I just cant wait to graduate and forget all the childish play of yours. I hope that you two would never do anything stupid like this to other people.
The only thing I want to ask from Allah SWT right now is to stop me from doing immoral things and sinful stuffs. My heart screams so loud hating all the immoral behaviour that I've been doing all this time. It's not that I dont wanna stop but I'm not sure if I ever getting better if I do so. Well, obviously I will but I just cant. Maybe I'm too attached with all the sins till I couldnt get away of it.
I know every wrongdoings will be punished. It's the matter of sooner or later. I think I've got some of the punishments from Him but I just couldnt. I COULD NOT. I want to be like anybody else. I want to feel the peace again. I dont want to lose anything, not a single one that I matter in my life. Not again. But how 😪
