She's strong but she's exhausted

April 13, 2017

Hello all. This overdue post has been in the draft since forever. It's just there are so may things happening in past few months. I realized there are so many things I want to tell but there is no words coming out : verbally or non-verbally. I now tend to put aside what I'm feeling for the sake of everything and everybody. Somehow, I feel I have lost myself when now is the best time to show who I am. 

I am right now so confused with what is happening. What's the reality, what's the truth and what's the dream that I know that will not come true. The question that I've always asked myself lately is, "Who controls my life?" Is it me, other people and God? I'm totally fine and already believed that the one who controls my life is always Him. However, in the most of the time, I feel like somebody else dare to invade and control my decisions and all the things that are happening. Obviously, I'm not talking about my husband -.-'' because he lets me to do anything that I want as long as it 's not breaking any rules. And obviously too, I'm talking about other entities that I'm not sure how and why I am related to them. 

To be honest, to describe my life in numbers: if there are 40% of good things that happened in my life are good ones, the rest is the opposite. I thank Allah for all the good things that happened to me, but I just could not stand carrying my long sorrow. I definitely knew what makes me so fragile and one of the reasons is my working environment. I wake up everyday for something that I hate and I know it  is not cool. but do I have choice? No. I've done a lot of reflections, building up strategies and read a lot of articles that I think could lift my spirit up but it does not last long. I end up being disappointed with myself because I am not be able to make my own self happy in any situations. This is totally not me. I break into tears almost everyday and could not face the truth that I'm losing.  I know, at the end of the day, I will found myself curling, hugging my own self to tears and not knowing what to do.

I found myself hating the situation when everyone tell me to be patient and stay strong. Can't you see? If I'm not THIS patient, THIS strong: I would not be able to be here today.  I hate everyone who does not really listen to me but busy trying to comfort me. I don't need comfort, I just need what I want. I want to change my workplace, I want to be with my family, I want to enjoy my first pregnancy, I don't want to eat alone, I want to talk to somebody when the hellish day at school ends, I want to wake up beside someone I love, I want to be with someone who can rub my back when I'm puking, I want somebody to be by my side when the cramps hit me at night and I want to share every single moment in my life with people who truly love me. 

I'm tired facing the same shitty problem everyday. Yes, shitty. Thanks for the torture guys. Thanks a lot. 

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